Serba salah

I already gives you two full option and you said no (this is YOUR decision)

well i'm kinda sad but also relieved in the same time because you don't have to come at my college and be uncomfortable and you can use that ticket to more efficient. But i'm also happy that if you came.. i was torn between two sides

so i just said okay... but you're not satisfied with that answer

Hate on me

"When she cry... i feel like the baddest person in the whole universe"

Start with that feeling..

She cried again yesterday, she cried because she missed me...

I feel terribly guilty.. i don't know what to say to her..

But funny thing about guilt is that i can create "other" me to defend myself

That "other" me really want to her to be stronger than that, more independent

but the another me said that i must understand her, i can't expect her to be something that i want

i'm such a jerk, how could i made her cried like that!

that thought is repeating in my mind like a broken tape..

i hate myself when she cried

i hate myself when she tried to compromised things for me

i hate myself when she pretend to be okay

i hate myself even more when she tried to comfort me because of this problem and said "it's not your fault"

i hate..

i really hate this guilty feeling..

Regretful Bless

I wish, i wish for just one day, god gives me strength for me to ignore other people feelings! i'm sick of it sometimes.. i really hate to feel bad into other people for bunch of crap.. why do people didn't see conditions and try to be understanding for a while... before they jump into silly conclusions!!

why would they?? people loves negative thinking towards another people...

Deep Passion

Once upon a time.. i was browsing for movie trailers on the internet,

suddenly i saw this movie from disneynature called "Ocean", in the trailer there was a sentence that stick to my heart

"We, humans has only explored 5% of the Ocean, there's still 95% of ocean wonders that wait to be discovered"

Argh! listening to that sentence... really reminds me with my past dream of becoming marine biologist, and deep down.. i still want to become one..

why did i throw away my dream? simple, it's because i didn't get accepted in science class at senior high school.

The question is.. what am i doing here...??

:(

Should i stop that?

A line from "Personal Taste", korean drama series...

A : "You also should stop that, forming overly deep attachment to people, clinging onto them"

B : "I'm that kind of person, i guess i'm starved of affection"

Well that line kinda slap me in the face.. because i feel the same feeling as "B"..

is that a bad thing??

Thankful Thought

Hmm.. gw pernah inget suatu hari dimana gw mau brangkat ke bandung untuk pertama kalinya... tmen gw pernah ngeramal gw.. kalo gw ga akan punya sahabat baik yg bener2 bisa gw percaya di kuliah, karena kehidupan kuliah yang individualis..

gw agak kaget.. karena menurut gw.. sahabat itu bener2 bisa jadi pegangan gw disaat gw long distance dengan cewek gw.. apalagi karena gw aslinya orgnya mellow2 ga jelas gt.. trutama klo lagi sendirian... mendengar ramalan itu.. gw sedih juga sih.. bayangin gw sendirian menjalani 3 tahun hidup sendirian di SBM..

Tapi.....

Sekarang, gw sadar klo ramalan dia itu salah... salah banget malah.. karena gw punya banyak sahabat yang bener2 bisa gw percaya cak dan menggantungkan diri gw saat gw diterpa badai (halah)..

siapakah orang2 ituu?? inisial aja yee...

yang pertama adalah

FT (Fisika Teknik?? Fakultas Teknik??Food Technology??)

Orang ini.. jujur, awalnya gw agak sebel ma dy... karena apa? karena klo dia udah moody... wahhh nyebelin se-nyebelinnya deh (itu waktu tingkat 1 s.. tingkat 2 dy dah membaik).. Anak ini kocak dan ngocol.. sbnernya bokep bgt s.. (walaupun ngakunya kagak)... gw deket ma dy sejak tingkat satu dimana kita sekelas dan se grup plajaran...awalnya karena anaknya gampang bgt terpancing hahaha.. gampang diajak ketawa, dan menyenangkan deh pokoknya, makanya gw bisa deket ma dy.. anak ini adalah orang pertama yg gw cari klo gw ada masalah apa2 di kuliah.. hahhaha.. dan dia orang pertama di SBM yg bener2 gw percaya.. dan skarang dia udah bersama orang yg diinginkannya dan gw bener2 seneng buat dia.. smoga awet terus lo ber-2 =)

BNP (Bank Negara Pemerintahan?? Bank Nasional Perdagangan??)

Gadis ini dari luar mungkin terlihat judes, dan nyebelin.. sangat menggoda untuk ditampar.. (peace ye).. tapi setelah deket ma dy lama.. tersingkap lah sifatnya yang lemot, ngocol, minta ditampar (tetep), labil dann.. lemah akan cinta.. (HUAHAHAHAA!!!), gw deket ma dy mulai sejak Rakshadeva dan lalu Oddisey.. sbenernya 75% alasan awal kita bisa dekat adalah karena satu oknum yg menjadi bahan omongan yg bisa dinikmati 1 SBM.. yaa taulah siapa... anaknya ini galak (parah), nyeremin, rame, dan suka nyiksa orang klo lg kesel..namun yg gw kagumin adalah dia PD dgn dirinya dan sifatnya sendiri, dy ga takut dapet masalah dan nyari masalah (bila diperlukan) she's really brave and i envy her for that.. Namun dibalik tameng judes dan galaknya.. sbnernya orangnya rapuh dan gengsian.. terkadang,, gw ngrasa apa yg dia mau sama yg ada diomongannya ga sinkron (denial)

KIS (Kesatuan Intel Sulawesi?? Keluarga Islam Salman??)

Orang ini...... bantet..... HUAHAHAHA! peace yaa,,.. cowok satu ini... sangatlah labil, hahaha.. dan kadang2 gw ampe pusing sndiri untuk buat dia ga labil (malah gw yg jadi labil) hahaha.. dia anaknya enak buat jadi pengalih perhatian gw dari masalah, anaknya ngocol (terkadang garing...-_-'), salah satu orang yg bisa nyaingin omongan gw klo dah kotor.. hahaha... setiap gw minta sesuatu, dia ga keberatan buat memenuhinya, anak ini sangat menyenangkan deh pokoknya.. namun dia orgnya agak gengsian dan slalu brusaha menjalani smuanya sendirian (c'mon.. what are friends for??) sifatnya ini membuat gw agak sungkan untuk berbicara dan brusaha membantu dia.. but it's okay... i'll always try to help.. hahaha...

MA (Majelis Agama??Mentri Agama??)

Anak ini... mulai deket sama gw baru2 ini.. hahaha.. knp? karena dia sangatlah labil...mpe gw pusing juga mikirinnya.. hahahaha... dia suka nanya2 gw ttg hal yg dia sendiri dah tau ahhaha.. anaknya kocak apalagi klo marah2.. gara2 suaranya yg mirip salah satu tokoh kartun anime jepang yang datang dari abad 22 (dah jelas kan siapa).. tapi meskipun bgt.. anak ini pedulian bgt.. walaupun kadang2 klo gw stress, dia jd sasaran bully-an gw.. hahaha peace ye... klo gw lg BT, pasti dia kepo.. huahahahaa gpp kok... tapi anak ini sendiri kadang2 ga punya pendirian.. dan kadang2 diselimutin oleh ketakutannya sendiri...

FMH (Untung bukan FHM)

Salah satu gadis yang sangat kreatif yang pernah gw temuin.. anaknya periang bgt dan slalu brusaha bikin gw cerah.. hahaha.. pokoknya anak ini bocah bgt d.. haha.. klo gw terlihat lg ga baik2 aja.. dia pasti nanya gw knapa.. gw hargain bgt deh itu... kita dah deket dari tingkat satu.. sering bgt gw ke apartemennya dia buat nonton DVD.. hahaha... sering bully2 orang bareng.. pokoknya sering deh klo ktawa2 bareng... hihihi..

AN (An Apple, An Orange)

Cowok ini adalah orang super sekut, super santai, dan super malas yg pernah gw temukan di muka bumi ini.. hahaha.. terkenal dengan ketajirannya, anak ini juga mulai dekat sama gw dari tingkat satu.. anaknya ngocol dan kadang2 super garing,.. hahaha.. klo gw curhat pasti gw dinasehatin trus digaringin mpe gw ngakak.. hahaha... anaknya sabar bgt.. hahaha.. dan banyak pelajaran hidup yang gw dapet dari dia..

dan selain yg gw sebut disana masih bnyk lagi sahabat2 gw yg lain.. sperti RA, MAS, SP, PJR, EL, MAP, dkk d..

anyway., i really2 want to thank you.. you guys made me feel that i'm not alone n this cruel SBM world.. ahhahahaha... i will tried my best to help you guys in anyway i can,.. hehehe

love you guys!!

:DD

Lagi Lagi

Menghibur.. namun jarang Terhibur

Menemani, namun selalu kesepian

Setia, namun dicurigai

Menempel, namun tidak merekat

Mengerti, namun jarang dimengerti

Mendengar, namun jarang diperhatikan

Great Start

I've been stressed by my responsibility

I've been chased by deadline

I Feel bed with someone that i couldn't meet in this day

I hate this feeling

I hate myself right know

One of my friend is such an ass

What a great start for the most stressful semester in SBM

What the hell is my Mistakes??

What the??

You've suddenly acting like this..

and i don't even fucking know why

if you think that i thought that you're not perform well..

well you're wrong, i didn't think that at all..

i get it.. you've got plenty to do

but who doesn't?

i'm understand..

but...

i've got problem too

i can't sit around smiling and trying to understand bout' your behaviour at all time!

i thought if you joined me,

we'll be fun...

enjoyed each other..

and just having fun!

and that's the added value from us to win!

but if you don't enjoyed this,

i didn't think we have what it takes to keep this on...

i've just praying that this is just a matter of time

before all just come back to normal

Gbu

:-)

Sure..!!

Today..

after mega-essay-quiz

i'm finally sure...

I WILL NOT TAKING FINANCIAL MAJOR IN MY 3RD YEAR!!!

Yeahhh!!!!

Maafkan Aku

This is a song from Oddisey 2009

and i think it's fit to current situation

so i changed few lyrics.... and

i want to dedicated this song to my someone special

Maafkan Aku...

ini bukan inginku

ini bukan mauku

mauku selalu denganmu

berdua dengan mu selamanya

seandainya ku bisa memilih

seandainya kamu sepertiku

mauku kita selalu bersama

bersama hingga selamanya

maaf..

maafkan aku..

kamu wanita pilihanku

dan aku mematikanmu

mematikan dirimu dan hari mu

kuingin selalu bersamamu

bersamamu adalah mimpiku

mauku selalu denganmu

berdua denganmu selamanya

dan akupun ingin engkau tau

bahwa ku selalu mencintaimu

mauku selalu denganmu

bersama hingga selamanya

maaf..

maafkan aku..

kamu wanita pilihanku

dan aku mematikanmu

mematikan dirimu dan hari mu

andai aku

bisa memilih

agar ku tetap disana

semoga engkau tahu

bahwa ku

selalu

mencintai dirimu

maaf..

maafkan aku..

kamu wanita pilihanku

dan aku mematikanmu

mematikan dirimu dan hari mu

I'm sorry for unable being there for you

at our 2nd anniversary

at 12 december 2009...

really sorry...

love you... :')

Good for them, or good for you?

Hey! it's not about you..

it's about them..

so will you cut the crap out about value, and morale

because your mindset is still what's good for you, not for them...

you don't fucking know what's good for them, and what's the future for them...

you're just afraid for history to repeat itself

god! you're such a coward!

so what if it happen??

god! you're so selfish!

shouldn't you be happy?!

god! you're so ungrateful!

just find a new one!

You fucking melancholy, friend-depended mind!

*P.S : This is me, angry with myself..

Idle mind (selfish thought)

i cared for for people so much..

sometimes it is so much that it bugs them

i asked them "what's wrong?"

even when they answered "no, i'm fine"

i just know that something is wrong

and i just want you to tell me,

because i hope that i can lift your burden

and make you smile..

i'll stay with you, if it what you need

is it a mistake?

i know i can't think about this..

but please, just once..

i want somebody that asked me "what's wrong?"

when i feel blue..

and he/she are really meant it.. not just for formality..

i used to have them, and they're far from me right now

Break-up and Make-up

I just opened up plurk... in there, there's my friend that had a fight with his girlfriend, then they're easily says "okay! let's break-up!"..

I find it, weird

I find it, Unbelievable

I find it, Upsetting..

Why, because is it so easy to say "break up??"

That's such a big word for me... it's frightening, it's uncertain. it's just not right...

it's a word that you shouldn't be saying spontaneously without thinking!

Every couple always, and MUST have their own fight

but, that problem can make us STRONGER & CLOSER...

I wonder if i break-up with my girlfriend long time ago, when the problem is at peak, and i'm really stressed...

I wonder how many moments that i will be missed..

How many laugh, that i will miss??

How many hug, that i will miss??

How many Cuddle, that i will missed??

How many of her smile, our smile, that i will miss??

How many story sharing time, that i will miss??

How many dates, that i will miss??

How many kiss, that i will miss??

Just think about that making me goosebumps...

Just wait, just think....

Because it's not about how many times he/she make you upset or angry...

But it's about how many times that he/she :

make you happy,

make you smile,

make you wipe out your tears,

make you laugh,

make you confident,

make you feels good,

make you excited to meet her,

make your spirit glows...

"How many times that he or she make you feel that you are precious in this world"

When you think about that, all of your problem with him/her is worth it...

"it really worth to have him/her in this world"

place to stay

After a while..

and i need a while to realize it...

i got another place to stay...

hope i wont make the same mistake twice..

^^

Finally!

Finally!!

after finishing third semester and continuing to fourth semester without holiday..

i feel so tired..

my performance in college are drop dead!

no spirit, and no passion...

i really need time to rejuvenate my spirit

so now is the time...

my god! it's Holiday!

Happy holiday friends!

use it wise, it's only 2 weeks till we back to business..

Yeah!!!

*i hope after this, my college performances will increasing*

Individualism..

Goddamn it! it's eating me alive!!

why can we just live up as packs

or maybe it just me, who didn't have a pack?

Regret

Baru kmaren, gw buka puasa bareng2.. sekaligus sesi curhat dengan "Pandora", team oddisey gw...

Disana kita mengungkapkan perasaan msg2 dan gw ngrasa terharu bgt dengan tim ini...

dan, gw beranikan diri lagi melihat suatu blog. dan membaca tulisan-tulisan maut itu....

Blog itu berisikan :

"Jadi ya masalah terletak di koreo... koreo pada saat berantem tepatnya. Semua kerasa... gitu doang... agak datar dan terjadi begitu cepat"

Gw ga nyalahin coment itu, klo menurut dy bener, ya gw ga bs nomong apa2 lg kn.. sebagai choreografer, sudah seharusnya gw memuaskan "ekspetasi" penonton, dan menerima kritik (everything needs a critic)

dan sekarang gw cmn bs bilang...

gw nyesel bgt, nyesel knp gw ga bs lebih bagus lg.

gw nyesel bgt, knp gw ga brusaha lebih keras lg.

Maksud gw bkn brarti gw Gabut di Pandora (HA! No freakin' way, gw pernah gw tidur 3 hari gara2 ngurusin koreo)

Maksud gw, knp gw ga bisa menerima sesuatu dengan keyakinan, dan optimisme...

Slama bikin koreo gw selalu berpikir bgini

"aduh! gw kn koreo dance, mana bisa gw bikin koreo perang"

"ahh! shit! mana bisa gw bikin koreo kyk gini"

"argh! kyknya koreo ini sampah bgt"

"kyknya mending bukan gw d yg jd koreografrer"

Gw nyesel bgt, gw bertugas dengan perasaan2 seperti ini.. dan jk gw g kyk gt gw pasti bisa lebih baik lagi..

maaf teman2 pandora... gw ga bs lbh bagus dari itu...

tp demi mereka gw berjanji, kalo gw akan belajar yakin kepada diri sendiri dan yakin akan apa yg gw perbuat

Great lesson!

Thx Pandora...

cin(T)a

I just watch an Indonesian movie called cin(T)a yesterday... well i know this movie from my friend, he said that the trailer was so cool, because the maker of the trailer is his unit in college.. i saw it, and.. yeah it's pretty cool, though i didn't really enjoy romantic movie, because it's so cliche...

Yesterday the class finished at evening, and i don't have anything to do... suddenly my friend asked me to watch it... i said to her that... yahhh... i'm not really interested in the movie... because i thought the storyline is cliche, and predictable (coming from experience... butterfly, coklat strawberry, my heart, etc). but.. since i have nothing to do... so.. okay, i'll watch it. it will be fun anyway if we hang out for a while..

so the movie begun...

and love it! very2 much!! many of my friend stated that the movie is vague, bad, etc... but i understand every meaning of it.. because i'm experienced myself...

the story is all about love between two people with different background and different religion, both of them valued god more than their life... and keeping the loves is hard, because the world is know colored with religion conflict, and so-called "religious" bombing...

i really like the part when the girl said

"kalau gw pindah agama.. lo masih mau sama gw?, gila.. tuhan aja gw khianatin.. apalagi elo ntar"

and i also like..

"kalo tuhan ingin disembah dengan satu cara, mengapa ia menciptakan kita berbeda-beda?"

"Karena itulah tuhan menciptakan cinta... agar mempersatukan perbedaan itu.."

I don't know if the second sentence is a self-righteous statement... but i really want to believed in it...

hmmm... this movie is too deep and i really like it... i almost can "feel" it...

but there are some intermezzo in this movie... i think the director is a genius... he put joke really in the right time... so the movie is not boring, yet didn't lose its essential as deep romantic movie..

and there is something that bugged me.... in the movie, there's always ants presence... i didn't catch the essential of the ants.. my friend told me that the ants is the narrator... but some viewers behind me said something,, and it really cracked me up.... in the movie there's a javanese traditional pre-wed ceremony that make the woman are bathed with flower... just after that, the woman are dried and there are flower in her shoulder... and it has ants in it (the camera focused in the ants... and the viewers said.." huuh... semut lagi... brapa sih dibayar??". hearing that sentence,,, i laugh hard with my friend...and we try to make it as quiet as possible...

hhh... some movies...

so the last thing i want to say is..

God, if i were meant to be with her (please i really wanted to..) please open the path for us...

if not please search someone better than me for her... before you searched for mine..

Rakshadeva

RAKSHADEVA!!!

MULAI!!!

Rakshadeva pasukan keamanan

Selalu tangguh dan juga tampak garang

Walau jarang senyum, ga pernah ketawa

Namun perdamaian tetap tujuan kami

RAKSHADEVA!!

SEMPURNA!!!

RAKSHADEVA!!

PERKASA!!

RAKSHADEVA BERSATU!!!

RAKSHADEVA!!!

SIAP! SIGAP! SEMANGAT!!!

RAKSHADEVA!!!

AMAN!! AMAN!! AMAN!!!!

That was a yell code for "Rakshadeva", the safety division of ProKM 2009, an event to introduce freshmen to The environment and culture of ITB (Bandung Institute of Technology)